I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
