My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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