i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
