i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
