Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
