i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
