He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
