i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
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she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
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When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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