i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
