You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
