Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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