apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
