you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
