i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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