if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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