There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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