If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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