Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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