Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
