Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
