i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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