I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
