he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
