I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
