This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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