just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
that is very illegal...i love you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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