I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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