New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
