new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
