So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
