My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Dicks are not precious.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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