im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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