I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
