It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
