dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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