You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think I just sharted jello shots
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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