Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
