All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
