I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
