i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
