I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
