I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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