ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
