Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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