Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
