Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
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I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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