I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
