I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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