i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
