Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
