Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
