naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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