im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
