i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
