I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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