Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
