Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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